


Bonds Too Strong To Break

by IveDoneMyWaiting



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Adorable kiddos, Alex refuses to accept help, Angst, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Caretaking, Caring Henry, Congressman Alex Claremont-Diaz, Dom/sub, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Henry just wants to take care of him, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Major Illness, Married Life, Married Sex, Parenthood, Past Character Death, Sibling Love, Sleepy Cuddles, Stubborn Alex, Thoughtful Alex, bathtub cuddles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:41:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29142405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IveDoneMyWaiting/pseuds/IveDoneMyWaiting
Summary: Alex and Henry have settled into married family life with joy, raising their two young toddlers while Henry manages the youth shelters and Alex works as a Congressman. They barely have time to slow down, but it's everything they've dreamed of, and more.When Alex starts to feel under the weather, some unexpected news may flip their beautiful life upside down. Will Alex let Henry in, or will he be too afraid of putting Henry through pains of his past?Together, they work to understand the real meaning of in sickness and in health, fighting to hold onto each other as realities try to rip them apart.(Spoiler: they will make it to the other side very much in love and together, it's just gonna be a rough time for both the boys.)
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, June Claremont-Diaz/Nora Holleran, Percy "Pez" Okonjo/OMC, Zahra Bankston/Shaan Srivastava
Comments: 35
Kudos: 119





	1. Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

**Author's Note:**

> This idea has been in my head forever, so here's the first chapter!
> 
> Classically because I adore my boys I have to put them through rough times so they can show each other just how much they love each other. 
> 
> Also tbh love the idea of them trying to out-take-care of the other person / thinking their partner's wellbeing is obviously the most important and not communicating about it because they're dummies, so that's really the only major conflict between H+A in this fic. Otherwise it's just...them learning to lean on each other through medical trauma.
> 
> In this chapter, Alex perspective first, then Henry. Texts from Alex are italics, texts from Henry are italics and bold. Also clearly I'm just obsessed with bathtub cuddles.
> 
> Comments and kudos always welcome! Much love! xx

If Alex is being honest with himself, he hadn’t felt like himself for, well, months. He’s always exhausted, and not in the usual sleep deprived way he thrives on, but this bone deep, aching exhaustion that drags him down constantly. He’s achy all the time, he’s started getting night sweats, and although he hasn’t been brave enough to actually check, he knows he’s lost weight, if the way his pants now hang loose around his hips is any indication. And he’s recently been feeling this crushing sharp pain in his chest whenever he lies down, which he desperately hopes will disappear on its own, but so far, hasn’t.

He tries to convince himself this is all the normal result of the stress of raising two toddlers, Caterina Elena having turned five in June and Gabriel Arthur about to turn three, on top of being a Congressman and vaguely thinking about maybe running for President someday while helping with Henry’s shelter and trying to be a good husband. Oh, and David needs attention too. Everyone thinks they’re crazy, and they probably are, but they wouldn’t have it any other way: Henry’s hours tend to be flexible, and Leo and Ellen have perhaps unsurprisingly turned out to love being grandparents, watching the kids whenever both Alex and Henry have to work. But Alex can feel this...something, inside of him, is more than just stress. He just doesn’t want their perfect beautiful life that they worked so hard to build to burst apart.

And Alex adores his husband, adores Henry with his whole being, and is incredibly grateful for their continually vigorous sex life, the practiced yet exquisite way Henry fucks him hard while Alex’s hands are bound to their headboard, grateful too, that their bedroom is on the ground floor, while their kids are fast asleep upstairs, but right at this moment, Alex is so, so tired, and his wrists are burning not in a sexy way, and his chest is starting to ache, and that’s all Alex can really feel anymore, the tightness in his chest -

“Darling?”

With conscious effort, Alex emerges from where he’s locked inside his head to see Henry stilled above him, looking at him with worried blue eyes. Alex kisses the tip of his nose, trying to reassure him.

“Are you alright, love? I lost you there, for a minute.”

“‘Course baby,” Alex gives him a small smile. “It’s just been a long week.” Alex is still floating in that hazy space where he gives Henry control, but Alex can’t tell him, because he wants to give Henry everything, and doesn’t want to worry him over nothing.

“Colour, love?” Henry asks, checking again.

Alex tries to continue the lie but can’t. “Y-yellow, baby, yellow, ‘m sorry, could we just - “

Henry kisses his forehead. “You’re doing so well, Alex. You don’t need to apologize to me. I’m so proud of you for being honest.”

Alex can feel warmth spreading through him at Henry’s praise, warmth that continues after Henry pulls out gently and lies down at his side, ghosting his fingertips up and down Alex’s stomach.

“I love you,” Alex whispers. 

Henry smiles softly and runs his fingers through Alex’s hair. “How are you feeling? You look exhausted.” 

Alex intertwines their legs. “I love it when you talk dirty to me.” 

Henry chuckles but doesn’t stop watching him, waiting for an answer. Before Alex can assuage him, pain shoots through his wrists, and Alex can’t hide the pain reflected back to Henry on his face.

Henry’s moving before Alex can blink, hands running over his arms and his face. “Where does it hurt, love? Tell me.”

But Henry’s already untying his wrists and Alex can’t stop the sigh of relief that falls from his lips, as Henry rubs soothing circles into the red marks there.

“Alex, I’m so sorry, love, I didn’t realize - “

Alex is still floating down, down, down, and everything is fuzzy, and he’s so tired, so he just buries his head in Henry’s chest, feels Henry carding his fingers through Alex’s hair.

“I think we should stop for now, darling,” Henry says gently.

Guilt spikes through Alex. “‘M sorry, baby, ‘m so sorry, I know I haven’t been pulling my weight lately, I’ll do better - “ Alex’s breathing becomes ragged as the pressure on his chest increases and Alex rubs the area absently.

He doesn’t see Henry watching him with growing concern. “Alex, you’re doing nothing wrong, you just haven’t been feeling well, we share the weight, okay, you’re doing perfectly… Alex, what’s wrong, love?”

Alex can feel sleep tugging at him. “Just heartburn, H. S’okay.”

Henry kisses his forehead gently. “Let’s get you in the bath before you fall asleep.”

And Alex wants to protest, wants to curl up in Henry and stay in bed, but let’s Henry carry him into the bathtub anyway. It’s only after Henry has gently lathered him with soap, and washed his hair the way Alex loves, that he finally voices the thought Alex knows has been growing inside him.

“Alex...you’ve been...run down for a while, and it doesn’t seem to be going away, and I think you should see a doctor.”

“It’s just some fall flu, baby. I’m okay.” Alex kisses Henry gently. “I promise.”

When Alex pulls away, he can see the fear in Henry’s eyes. “Please, Alex. For me.”

Which is how Alex finds himself squeezing in a doctor's appointment in between meetings on the Hill and trying to push forward a bill on gun control, and the doctor tells him not to worry, but says something about enlarged lymph nodes and orders some blood tests and sends Alex to this other specialist. Alex doesn’t really understand what any of this means, doesn’t have time for another doctor’s appointment, but the doctor told him not to worry so he told Henry there was no reason to worry. The lines in Henry’s face seem to lessen after that, and Alex is so caught up in trying to lobby other senators and trying to make it home to at least cook dinner a few times a week and always read the kids a bedtime story at night that he completely forgets about his other appointment until his secretary reminds him and this doctor is saying things like _unusual levels_ and after repeating some of Alex’s symptoms - which Alex doesn’t understand, he already knows this - he’s taken into another room to do some sort of scan and then the doctor is lying him down on a table and numbing his chest and for the first time since this whole thing started Alex begins to feel really afraid. And he desperately wants his husband. But he contents himself with fisting the sheets and tries to breathe as the doctor inserts a needle into his chest as Alex feels this sharp, stabbing pain ripping through him.

Alex should tell Henry. He should. But he’s not an idiot, he may not be a doctor but he knows what tests like this are for, and he can’t put Henry through that again, it will destroy him, so instead of going home he drives back to the office and sits at his desk and stares into space. Wonders how he didn’t notice his own body betraying him. The rest of that week, he stays at the office late, because he can’t bear lying to Henry, not about this, so he tells his wonderful, perfect husband they’re getting down to the wire on the bill and hates himself for it.

On Friday, when the doctor calls and asks Alex to come in that afternoon to discuss his test results, Alex _knows_ , he’s known it all along, really, dread pooling in his gut. He forces himself to speak, and asks, “I know you can’t tell me yet, but should I...should I be getting ready to tell my family?”

“Support is always a good thing, Alex,” Dr. Andrews, replies, kindly, and Alex tries not to vomit. “I’ll see you later.”

Numbly, Alex dials June and Nora, and asks if they would mind taking the kids for the night. Caterina and Gabriel love sleeping over at the aunts’, and June and Nora love spoiling them. They agree happily, and sort out plans for June to swing by the brownstone to grab their overnight things before picking up the kids from daycare. Alex is only half listening, feeling like he’s watching himself on the phone with his sister.

“Alex? Are you alright? You sound a little...off.”

For a moment, Alex almost tells her everything. June knows him better than anyone, was his first confidante, is his older sister he can always turn to. But he bites his tongue. He needs to tell Henry first, he owes him that.

“Yeah, just...tired.”

“Alright.” June doesn’t seem convinced, but lets it go, for now. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”

“Thanks, Bug. Oh, wanna talk to Mom and Leo and see if they wanna come over too, we can all have breakfast together?”

“That’s a great idea. We haven’t all spent time together in...too long.”

“Alright, love you, see you in the morning.”

“Enjoy your night full of loud sex.”

“GOODBYE, June.”

Alex can hear June laughing as she hangs up. He tries not to let the guilt of what he’s about to put on his family overwhelm him, dropping his head into his hands and breathing for a long moment.

Then he texts his husband.  
**I asked June and Nora to watch the kids for the night so we could have some us time. Chinese?”**

Henry responds almost immediately.  
**_I knew there was a reason I married you. From our place?_**

**Besides my roguish good looks? General Tsuo’s Chicken and Drunken Noodles?**

**_Don’t oversell yourself darling, you’re no Han Solo ;). I’ll be done with the shelter at 7, grab some dessert on the way home?_ **

**Perfect. Love you❤️**

**_Love you too♥️_ **

He’s sick with guilt at how shocked and upset Henry’s going to be, if the doctor delivers the news Alex by now is sure he’s going to hear, he wishes he could just have one more normal night with his husband, but he can’t tell Henry over the phone, he just can’t.

He knows he might be jumping the gun, putting too many plans in place, but his instincts are usually right, and Henry needs to feel taken care of, Alex needs to make sure of it.

He calls Catherine, Bea, and Pez, in that order. The conversations are short and to the point, Alex doing his best not to reveal too much. He tells them he hasn’t been feeling well, that he’s been sent to multiple doctors and gotten several tests done, that he hadn’t told Henry because he didn’t want him to worry over nothing, but that he’s going in to discuss his test results this afternoon and…

He doesn’t need to say anything else. They know. Alex rushes to fill the silence with, “No one else knows, I want Henry to be the first, if...but if it’s what...I’m telling him tonight, I have to tell him tonight, and I know it’s too much to ask, but I wondered if you might...come, just in case. Henry shouldn’t have to go through this again, and I” Alex’s throat closes up.

Pez’s voice is soft and soothing, he tells Alex to call him if he needs anything, that he’ll keep Henry occupied at the shelter, and that if and when Alex texts him later, he’ll be over in minutes.

“Alex,” he says softly. “Remember you’re just finding out about this too. Henry can take it, whatever happens.”

Alex brushes away the tear that sneaks down his cheek.

“Thanks, Pez.”

He can feel Catherine and Bea’s kindness, and pity, radiating through the phone line.

“Oh, Alex…” Catherine says. “Sweetheart - “

“I’m alright,” Alex interrupts.

“You’re not, but…” Catherine sighs. “Never in my wildest dreams did I dare to imagine that my son would not only be allowed to find someone who makes him so completely happy, but also someone who is so incredibly kind. You are so good to him, Alex.”

“I don’t deserve him.”

“Whatever happens, you two will support each other through this. You’ve always beat incredible odds, and you can do that again, okay? Bea and I will get on a flight now, and be there as soon as we can. We won’t breathe a word to Henry until you tell us to, I promise. And we’ll be there to help both of you, okay?”

“Thank you,” Alex manages.

“It’s going to be alright.”

Alex wanders back to his office in a daze, trying to gather anything he might need to work from home for the weekend, and confirming he can take the rest of the day off after his appointment. He’d sort of been planning for this, mentioned to his staff he’d likely have to duck out early at the end of this week, so it wasn’t that difficult to tie up loose ends, but Alex could barely focus, barely stop his hands from shaking. He noticed his assistant bringing him more coffee than usual and shot them a weary smile.

When it was twenty till three, he told the staff to feel free to take an early night once everything was finished up for the day, and left for the doctor. He doesn’t really know how he got there, he probably shouldn’t have been driving at all, but suddenly he’s surrounded by fluorescent lights and sitting across from his doctor’s desk and once again finds himself desperately wishing for Henry.

Dr. Andrews inspires confidence just by looking at her, her frizzy black curls tied up in a messy bun, her eyes kind but confident, filled with a determination and a fire to fight for her patients. She is one of the best, Alex knows. Her waiting list is incredibly long but they snuck Alex in, which Alex also feels incredibly guilty about. Her mouth and eyes have laugh lines around them, and her face is inviting and warm. But today, she is all business, which Alex appreciates. He can’t stop his leg from bouncing.

“How are you feeling, Alex?”

“Okay,” Alex lies, panic filling his chest.

“I doubt that, and we’ll have to work on you downplaying your symptoms in the future, but…” She folds her hands on the desk, looks Alex directly in the eye.

“I want to be very clear with you, Alex. I value all my patients and their health equally, no matter who they are or where they come from. Doctor patient confidentiality requires that anything you say to me, as well as all matters regarding to your health, remain in strictest confidence, and you have my word as a healer, who took an oath to do no harm, that both myself and my staff will never betray your confidence for political or career gain.”

Alex believes her. Her honesty is one of the reasons Alex likes her so much.

“But I also know you’re a bright young man, I have a lot of personal respect for you and what you’ve been working to do…” She smiles gently at him.

Alex is surprised by how much her respect matters to him.

“So I’m always going to be honest with you.” She takes a breath, then looks at him again. There is no sadness, no pity there, just honesty. “Alex, you have Stage III Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.”

Alex knew it was coming, he did, but it doesn’t make the shock any less visceral, slamming into him like a physical blow. He doesn’t hear much after that, his ears filled with a sort of buzzing, catching snippets of words like “spread” and “treatment cycles” and “radiation” and “chemo”.

“Alex? You still with me?”

Alex blinks, focusing on the warmth in Dr. Andrews' brown eyes. “Sorry,” he mutters, taking a deep breath and running a hand through his hair. “I just - “

“It’s alright, Alex. Even if you suspected something was wrong, it’s always a shock. Trust me, you’re reacting better than most.”

Alex smiles weakly at her.

“We’ll meet again next week to go over all this, and treatment options, in greater detail, once you’ve had time to adjust. We recommend bringing someone with you, ideally your partner.”

Alex distantly appreciates her not acknowledging the openness of his private life in not calling Henry by his name. Still, he hesitates, because he so much doesn’t want to drag Henry through this pain all over again.

“Even when there’s…” Dr. Andrews pauses. “Personal history, with a disease, you’d be surprised how often family is able to separate experiences, because all illness is different. You should trust your husband, if you don’t mind me saying...you’re going to need him, and he will want to be there for you.”

Her unspoken question hangs in the air.

Alex swallows, looks down. “I’m telling him tonight.”

Dr. Andrews eyes are kind. Alex feels safe here, in her office, and a part of him never wants to leave. “Good. Bring him with you next week. The more informed he is, the less out of control he’ll feel. It’ll help.”

“Okay.”

“My patients always think it’s harder on their loved ones, because they have to watch it happen, but you’re the one whose body is fighting, Alex. If the situation were reversed, you’d be there without question. It’s okay to let people take care of you when you need it.”

Alex tries to hide the tears filling his eyes.

“And you should know I absolutely encourage crying in my office. It’s incredibly cathartic.”

Alex gives a wet laugh, accepts a tissue. A question has been building and he can’t stop it from popping out.

“How bad is it? My...um…”

“Your prognosis? I’d have preferred we caught it earlier, before it spread to your chest. But, it hasn’t spread to your blood yet, which is good. It’s going to have to be a strong, aggressive treatment, it’s likely going to knock you on your ass for a while. The treatment is often worse than the cancer, in some ways. You’re going to have to take it easy, take care of yourself. Recovery rates are high, which is also good, but relapses can happen, so we’ll have to keep an eye on that long term. You’re young, healthy, no prior issues… you’re a fighter, Alex, and I’m going to do everything I can to help you beat this.”

“Okay,” Alex whispers. She clasps his shoulders, and they make an appointment for next week. Alex has one of the agents drive on the way home, as he stares out the window, not really seeing anything. Cash has been worried, he knows, and is looking at him with his mouth pressed in a tight line, but doesn’t press. He texts Catherine, Bea, and Pez, **“as expected"** , so they know to be, ready? Alex doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what to feel, he feels separate from his body, a pounding forming in his head, and he wishes Henry was holding him, but there was so much that had to come first.

When they get to the apartment, Cash asks if Alex needs anything, and Alex finds himself wrapping Cash in a tight hug, burying his head in Cash’s chest for a moment. Cash ignores the tears that slip down Alex’s cheeks and just holds Alex in a strong embrace for a long minute, whispering, “It’s going to be alright, kid. We’re here for you.” 

Once Alex pulls himself together, he guiltily asks Cash if he wouldn’t mind picking up dinner and a bottle of wine. Cash lays a hand on his shoulder and looks at him solemnly. “Alex, whatever you need. Really.”

Left alone in his apartment with about three hours to kill before Henry comes home, Alex can’t focus on anything. He manages to feed David and take him for a walk, and the fresh air helps a little. He stress cleans the apartment - all three floors - and picks up all the kids’ toys, but he still has almost two hours to kill. He tries to read the pamphlets Dr. Andrews gave him, but the words are blurry and Alex can’t make sense of them. He turns on the British Bake-off but can’t sit still, but he definitely can’t stand complete silence. He tries to plan what he’s going to say to Henry, but he ends up staring at empty paper. As 6 ticks closer to 7, Cash drops off the food, and a couple bottles of wine, opening one and pouring Alex a glass. Alex doesn’t protest. He has a second glass, not even enough to get his head fuzzy, but just to try and stop him from shaking. As the clock hits 6:50, Alex has to do something. He’s too afraid to admit to himself that there’s a part of him that worries Henry won’t be able to do this, can’t do this, and honestly, Alex wouldn’t blame him, even if it broke his heart. He set the table, laid out the food, lit candles, poured glasses of wine, he wished, he wanted this to be a normal date night, even if it couldn’t be. 

As 7 ticked to 7:05, and Alex knew from experience it took Henry about twenty minutes to untangle himself from the kids and paperwork and get home, Alex was itching out of his skin, he didn’t want this stupid body anymore, it took everything he had not to go around punching walls. He tried to breathe, reminding himself he needed to be strong for Henry, but nothing was working. He ran upstairs and jumped in the shower, turned it scalding hot, scrubbing hard, trying to feel himself, feel the body he used to know. 

Stumbling into sweatpants and Henry’s old NYU Law sweatshirt that was technically Alex’s but that he had actually bought for Henry, Alex sat on the bed. A part of him couldn’t believe this was happening. How were they going to do this, with two kids, and his job, and Henry’s job. _Fuck, was he still going to be able to do his job?_ Alex loves his job, he’s good at it, it makes him a better parent, a better husband, he knows, because he burns off that buzzing energy that allows him to come home, and be at home, at the end of the day. _How is he going to do this?_

He’s so caught up in his own thoughts he doesn’t even notice Henry enter the bedroom, or kneel in front of him, until he feels a gentle hand on his cheek.

“Love? You alright?”

Alex manages a smile. “Long day.”

“Well I can’t wait to hear all about it. This was brilliant, we needed this. I’m just going to have a shower, why don’t you go downstairs and relax and have some wine and I’ll join you in just a minute?”

Alex nods, and somehow forces himself off the bed as Henry goes to shower. God, he can’t bear how this is going to hurt Henry.

\-- 

Henry knows that Alex has been hiding something from him. Alex is a notoriously terrible liar, his honesty is one of the things Henry adores about him, and for the life of him, Henry can’t figure out what Alex felt he couldn’t tell him.

Henry also knows that Alex is feeling worse than he’s telling Henry, that he always ignores being sick until he completely overworks himself, that he feels like he can’t be a burden on anyone. Henry suspects this has something to do with Alex’s childhood, but keeps that opinion to himself.

Henry can feel that Alex is losing weight, can feel it in the sharp jut of his hips when they’re making love, the hollower angles of his face. He wakes up at night to Alex gasping pained breaths and soaked in sweat, and he knows, he knows something is wrong. He knows Alex has been exhausted for months, and not the normal Alex sleep deprivation, but something that’s draining Alex of the sense of unstoppable force he adores. He sees it when Gabriel pulls Alex up to play and Alex winces slightly in pain. He sees it when Alex falls asleep most nights at his desk. He desperately wishes Alex would see it too.

Whatever happened at the doctor, Henry knows Alex is avoiding him, because he _can’t_ lie to him, not about this. Alex has barely seen Henry, let alone let Henry touch him, all week, and Henry knows how adamantly Alex insists on setting aside nights for their kids, except for work emergencies. The idea that something is really wrong fills Henry with a desperate kind of panic, but the thought that Alex feels like he can’t trust him has kept Henry up almost every night this week.

Which is why Henry is relieved Alex decided to get them a night off, time to spend just the two of them. They need it, he needs to feel close to his husband.

As soon as Henry walks into the bedroom that night, he knows something is very, very wrong. Alex looks pale and exhausted and frail, so unlike his usual vibrant self. Henry wants to scream. He’s going to get it out of him tonight, whatever it is. When he comes downstairs, Alex hasn’t touched his wine, which is also extremely odd, and even though he’s asking Henry questions about his day and the shelter all Henry can focus on is how exhausted his husband looks and that he’s barely touching his food.

Finally Henry’s had enough. “Alex.” Soft, firm, unavoidable.

Alex looks up at him, and there’s a resignation in his eyes that scares Henry almost more than anything else. “Yeah, okay. Can we...can we go sit on the couch?”

Henry takes Alex by the hand and settles them on the sofa, Alex sitting further away then usual, his hands twisting together and his shoulders hunched. David settles between them, as if sensing the tension. Henry waits for Alex to be ready.

“Okay.” Alex takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair, his curls wilder than usual. “Well you know how, I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, and you suggested I go to the doctor, so - “

Henry resists the urge to roll his eyes, as Alex clearly has been feeling more than a little under the weather. “And you told me he said not to worry about it…” The words slip out of Henry’s mouth before he can stop them, he just can’t help the hurt that Alex didn’t trust him.

Alex’s shoulders hunch even further. “I just, well, it didn’t seem like a big deal, and you have so much going on, and _I love you, H, so much_ , and I didn’t want to worry you - “

Henry’s heart hurts at Alex’s concern for him. He lays his hand on top of Alex’s. “It’s okay, I understand, darling, it’s alright, I’m not upset, I’ve just been worried.” 

He can see wetness gathering in the corners of Alex’s lashes. “Well they sent me to this other doctor, she wanted to run some tests, this, um, scan thing, and this needle thing - “

Henry feels sick. He knows what these tests are for, he knows how much they hurt, and he should have pushed harder, he should have been there for Alex -

“I should’ve have been there - “

A tear escapes down Alex’s cheek. “I wanted you there, so badly, but - I knew what they, what these tests, and I didn’t want to - not until it was - you shouldn’t have to go through this again, I don’t want to have to make you - “

Henry can feel his world begin to tilt out from under him, he knows what Alex is about to say, he remembers his parents sitting them all down in the sitting room like it was yesterday, but he breathes, and grips Alex’s hand hard.

“And the … the results?”

“I went...I saw the doctor today…” Alex swallows hard and Henry can hardly bear it. He looks up at Henry and his eyes are full of tears. 

“It’s Hodgkins Lymphoma, Stage III.” Henry’s world goes white for a second, and he hears himself let out a broken sob, and distantly hears Alex apologizing over and over, and he can’t help it, he scoops Alex up in his arms, he needs to be holding his husband, to protect him from this -

But he hears Alex talking through his tears, and at first Henry doesn’t understand what he’s saying. 

“I’m so sorry, Henry, it’s my fault, I should’ve gone to the doctor sooner, I should’ve realized, they could’ve caught it, but instead I just - you shouldn’t have to do this again, I’m so, so sorry, it’s, I’ll understand if you can’t - “

Henry pulls Alex out of his shoulder so he can hold his face. “Alex, love, this isn’t your fault. I love you, you’re my husband, and even if we weren’t married, even if I hadn’t made a vow, I would stay by you, will always stay by you, and take care of you, because you are the most important thing in the world to me, okay?”

Alex is still crying, Henry is too, but then Alex says something that makes Henry sure that he will never deserve this man. “I called your mom, and Bea, and Pez is on call, I thought you might need them, they’re on their way here, I know this is so unfair to you - “

Henry can’t believe that in the midst of everything Alex was dealing with, he thought about what Henry might need. Of course he did. Alex always did. Henry vows, then and there, to be that person for Alex, no matter how hard Alex tries to insist he doesn’t need it.

“Oh, darling.” He strokes Alex’s hair, desperate to hold on to him. “I just want to hold you, if that’s alright?”

Alex nods into his shoulder, and Henry carries him up to bed, Alex mumbling something about when June and Nora bring the kids back tomorrow Ellen and Leo are coming so he can...get it over with. Henry strips him down to his boxers and kisses him gently, covering him the duvet, and Alex is asleep in minutes, utterly exhausted. 

As he gets ready for bed, he texts his family and Pez. _**I need to stay with Alex now, but I love you all, so much. Come over for breakfast, tomorrow? Alex’s family is coming too.**_

Henry gets into bed and brings Alex to him, holding him tight, wishing he could be enough to keep Alex safe. As he lay there, with Alex in his arms, words he wrote years ago run through his head over and over and over, haunting him. 

_“Dear Thisbe,_  
_I wish there weren’t a wall.  
Love, Pyramus”_

This wall Alex's body is building between them...Henry wants to rage and scream and rip it down with his bare hands, but he can't. He can't, and he's terrified. He'd promised he'd never let there be a wall again, not anymore. Stroking Alex's curls, breathing in his lemony shampoo, Henry promises himself... Whatever was going to happen, whatever this illness was going to be, Henry would not let it build a wall between them. He would be there holding Alex’s hand, no matter what. 


	2. The Shoe Drops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Henry break the news to their loved ones.
> 
> Some Alex / Henry sexy times, adorable kiddos, and family angst. Henry POV, then Ellen POV. This is still part of the set-up, thanks for hanging in there, we'll be getting into meaty stuff next chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't promise I will always update this regularly, as I'm still working on the other story, but it's just been on the tips of my fingers this week!
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated xx

Henry wakes much too early, before the sun even decides it’s time to get up. He holds Alex in his arms, memorizing the feeling of Alex’s body against his, the way Alex’s spine curves perfectly into his chest, and the comforting warmth of Alex’s legs tangled in his, almost so you wouldn’t be able to tell at first glance which body the legs belong to. Alex sleeps fitfully, quickly sweating through both his shirt and Henry’s, but Henry can’t bear to let him go. Henry just tugs Alex closer, rubbing his chest to try and warm his skin, slick with cold sweat. His breathing is too labored, noisy, and Henry has to keep a hand on his chest to reassure himself that Alex’s lungs are still working, that Alex is still okay. Alex has a furrow in his brow, and as much as Henry gently tries to smooth it out, it won’t go away. A rush of irrational anger burns in Henry’s chest; Alex should at least be able to rest without pain, for fuck’s sake. The heated anger slowly turns to ice in Henry’s stomach as he realizes this is only the beginning, and Alex will likely be feeling much, much worse from here on out.

Henry’s not sure how long he lays there, desperately trying to keep Alex tucked away, to keep them locked in their bedroom, to stop what’s coming from happening, but their room slowly fills with white sunlight, highlighting the gold flecks that live in Alex’s curls. Then Henry’s phone starts to buzz.

Cursing, he leaps up to try and answer it before the noise can wake Alex, but out of the corner of his eye he can see Alex begin to stir. Panic fills Henry, as he illogically realizes Alex waking means this day is real, this day is _happening_ , it’s out of his control.

“What?” he snaps into the phone, running his fingers through his hair.

“Henry?” It’s Nora. Nora filled with numbers and odds and certainty, sounds...unsure. Henry sighs.

“Hey. Nora.”

“We were just wondering what time we should plan on bringing Caterina and Gabriel back, head over for breakfast?”

Henry looks at his watch. Seven thirty. He has no doubt the kids have been up since dawn.

“8:30 alright?”

“Yeah, we’ve got a very competitive game of Twister going on here anyways.” Nora pauses, voice coloring with fake cheer, and Henry’s gut twists: of course she knows something is wrong. “Did you two have a good night?”

Henry has no idea what to say. “Yeah we um...really needed it. See you at 8:30?”

“Hang in there, Henry,” she says softly.

Hanging up, Henry takes a deep breath, typing out a quick text to his family and Pez about what time to come for breakfast, before turning back to the bed and smiling softly at Alex. He looks exhausted, more tired than when he went to sleep, but he reaches out a hand to Henry and Henry takes it, climbing back into bed and burying his face in Alex’s hair.

“How are you feeling?” Alex asks him gently, voice muffled by his face being tucked into Henry’s shoulder. “You look tired.”

Henry ghosts his fingertips gently down Alex’s back. “I should be asking you that.”

Alex pulls away to look at him, eyes fierce and determined. “Baby, just because I’m the one who’s…” Alex swallows hard, forcing himself to continue, “sick...doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have feelings too. It doesn’t mean that this isn’t allowed to be...hard for you...or that you can’t have days where you’re frustrated or upset or overwhelmed. I need to know that you’re being honest with me, and that I can support you, too, otherwise I’ll just end up feeling stifled and like I’m going crazy.” Alex’s strokes his cheek, and Henry’s eyes fill with tears. “We’re partners, remember?”

God, Henry loves this man, he loves this man more than anything in the world, this man who saved him and made him into a better, kinder person, and he knows, just by the look in Alex’s eyes, that Alex is going to fight this disease with everything he has, and that Alex is going to do it all for him. Henry holds his tears back by sheer force of will, and takes hold of Alex’s face with both hands.

“Okay,” he murmurs.

“So,” Alex says, looking deep into his eyes. “How are you feeling?”

Henry takes another deep breath and forces himself to return Alex’s gaze. “I’m scared,” he whispers.

Alex’s lips quirk up in a smile that manages to hold immense sadness. “Me too.”

And Henry’s not sure who started the kiss, but they’re _kissing_ , and it’s open-mouthed and messy and desperate, almost wild, as Henry nips Alex’s bottom lip, where it sits in that luscious pout, and Alex moans, opening for him, and Henry licks his way inside, devouring the taste of him, yanking on Alex’s curls as Alex moans loud, Alex’s fingers finding their way underneath Henry’s shirt, as Henry’s hands cup Alex’s gorgeous ass, kneading it as he pulls Alex onto his lap. Alex’s hands tug at the nape of his neck as he grinds down on him, creating delicious friction against his leaking cock, and it’s all _Alex, Alex, Alex, Henry is swimming in him, but it’s not enough, Henry needs more_ , and he smacks Alex on the ass and Alex lets out a high, breathy, whine.

“Colour, love?” Henry manages, breathless, as Alex sucks a spot in the crook of his neck, a spot he knows makes Henry’s toes tingle.

“Green, baby, so fucking green,” Alex says, ripping off Henry’s shirt as Henry pushes Alex down onto the bed. He teases Alex’s shirt off, kissing his way up Alex’s stomach and neck with light, ghosting kisses as Alex moans breathily, but stays absolutely still just like Henry told him to, because,

“You want to be good for me, don’t you, darling?” Henry purrs, as he kisses up Alex’s jaw and lifts his shirt over his shoulders.

Alex makes that soft, breathy noise that Henry _loves_ , eyes burning into Henry with that look that says he _needs_ Henry to take him apart, and he arches his head back, babbling, “Yes, baby, please, I wanna be good, so good for you - “

Henry nibbles on Alex’s ear before he leans up to throw Alex’s shirt aside, and Alex moans, eyes rolling back. “Careful, sweetheart, or I’m going to have to tell you to be quiet.”

Alex whimpers as Henry rubs soothing circles into his shoulder with one hand, finally getting rid of the damned shirt. But as he moves to lean back over Alex, his eyes catch the red blinking clock on their nightstand, and Henry swears. Shite. It’s eight o’clock already. The irrational lust-blown part of his brain says to screw it all and fuck Alex into the mattress until he screams, but the rational voice in his head argues they both need time to pull themselves together for everything and everyone that’s arriving to their house in about thirty minutes.

“Color, baby?” He looks down to see Alex staring up at him with concern, eyes a little hazy from subspace.

Henry smiles softly. Alex is the only partner he’s ever had, _the only sub, Henry corrects_ , who always reminds him that check-ins go both ways, subspace or not, and always asks to make sure Henry’s doing okay during a scene. Just another example of how much Alex thinks about what Henry needs, and often puts Henry's needs above his own. How did he get so lucky?

Henry kisses Alex’s nose gently. “Green, love.” He moves off Alex so he can tuck into his side, brush back Alex’s sweaty curls. “I just noticed it’s already eight o’clock, and we should probably…” 

Alex glances over at the clock himself, and groans, burying his head in Henry’s chest as if he could hide from time itself. After a moment, he sighs. “You’re right.” Standing, he offers Henry a hand once again. “Shower with me?”

Standing together under the warm water, they wash each other gently, lathering soap and shampoo with gentle touches and dropping soft kisses on elbows and thighs. As Henry finishes rinsing the conditioner out of Alex’s hair, cupping his head back and breathing in that glorious scent of lemon and a hint of grapefruit, he can’t help but meet Alex’s lips for a deep kiss. Kissing Alex is ecstasy, it’s like a religion, Henry could live off the sustenance from Alex’s lips. Alex gives as good as he gets, slipping his warm tongue into Henry’s mouth, and the embrace quickly becomes heated, Henry pushing Alex up against the shower wall as they devour each other, already on the brink from earlier. Alex reaches his hand down to bring their cocks together, pulling back to look at Henry for permission. 

“Yes, darling, yes, _oh, god, Alex -_ ” Alex has his hand around both of their cocks and is jerking them off together, hand slick with precum, the friction of his hand and his cock on Henry’s driving Henry wild. Alex’s tugs become fast and desperate and he kisses Henry messily, moaning into Henry’s mouth, hand going faster and faster as Alex plants rough kisses down Henry’s neck and jaw. Alex twists his hand just right, tracing his thumb over the tip and Henry comes hard, biting down on Alex’s neck as cum splatters the shower wall. Still in a post-orgasm haze, he bats Alex’s hand away, keeping up a rough pace as he can feel Alex getting closer, his other hand fondling Alex’s balls and gently teasing the vein that runs along the underside, where he knows Alex is so very sensitive.

Alex is whining softly now, his head thrown back, and Henry scrapes his teeth down Alex’s neck. Alex whimpers.

_H-h-henry...nnngh…’m close - “_

“Look at you, all pretty and pliant for me,” Henry whispers, as he smacks Alex’s ass. He can feel Alex’s thighs shaking, sees a flush spread up his chest at Henry’s words.

“You’re taking it so well, darling. Are you going to be a good boy, are you going to come when I tell you to?” He leans forward, puts his mouth around Alex’s nipple, and sucks.

_“Yes, yes, just for you, baby, please, I -_

He lets go of Alex’s nipple with a loud _pop_. “You beg so prettily sweetheart.” Henry presses Alex hard against the wall, kisses Alex full on the mouth, and pinches his nipple, twisting it hard. “Come for me, darling,” he growls against Alex’s lips.

Alex comes with a sob, Henry working him through it, extending every last moment of pleasure, until Alex collapses boneless against him. He holds Alex for a long moment, stroking his curls. 

“Alright, love?”

“Mmhm,” Alex says softly. “You?”

Henry nods, kissing Alex’s hair. Looking into Alex’s eyes, he could see they both felt calmer now, more ready for what they were about to face. Henry cleans up both himself and Alex with care and efficiency, and picks out comfy clothes for Alex while making sure he drinks a glass of water. They still have some time before everyone comes over, to get some food started and get themselves sorted, and hopefully they’ll all be a few minutes late, anyways.

Alex takes David out and feeds him while Henry makes a pot of coffee and tea, gathering ingredients for waffles (for the adults) and chocolate chip pancakes (for the kids, and likely Pez and Leo). Henry still isn’t the best at cooking, but he’s mastered some breakfast staples, especially since Alex does a lot of the dinners. He can tell Alex is nervous, he can hardly sit still and keeps pacing around the apartment. Henry tasks him with cooking the waffles while Henry puts way too much chocolate in the pancakes so Alex at least has something to distract him.

Luckily, everyone is a few minutes late, so they’ve got breakfast preparations well underway by the time their apartment door bangs open, bringing in their two little balls of chaos followed by June and Nora.

“Daddy! Papi!” they both squeal, and Alex rushs to greet them, scooping up both their kids in a giant bear hug and swinging them around in the air, accompanied by peals of laughter. Henry’s heart warms to see just how good of a father his husband is. As soon as Alex sets them both down, they both charge immediately at Henry, Alex tugging off their coats as they run with practiced ease.

They each latch on to one of Henry’s legs as he struggles to pick them up and balance each on one hip, both talking loudly over the other. 

“Daddy we had sundaes with Aunt June and Aunt Nora - “

“ - Aunt June painted my nails pink, see? Papi, look!”

“I had chocolate ice cream with chocolate sauce but 'Rina had oreo”

“And then we played Twister and hide and seek!”

“Aunt Nora says I’m the best hider”

“Well I found you”

“Did not”

“Did too”

“Oh and then we watched Finding Nemo”

“Bruce!!!”

“I like Dory the best, she’s funny.”

“Fish are friends, not food.”

“Can we watch Finding Dory today, Daddy? Please please please please PLEASE”

“CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!” Gabriel suddenly screams, and every adult that isn’t holding a child winces and covers their ears. Henry sees Alex laughing quietly, and this is also when Henry notices that the rest of their families have snuck in amidst the mayhem.

“Uncle Pez! Auntie Bea! Grandma Catherine! Grammie and Gramps! Best surprise ever!” Caterina cheers, as she wriggles out of Henry’s arms to go greet everyone. Henry bounces Gabriel on his hip. 

“Gabriel, why don’t you go and say hello - “

“Chocolate!” Gabriel insists, trying to squirm out of Henry’s arms to get to the pancakes. Alex’s eyes are twinkling, and June is snorting with laughter. 

“Those two are literally exact carbon copies of each of you. Miss Proper,” she says, pointing at Caterina, “and Mr. Chaos Demon,” she finishes, pointing at Gabriel, smiling fondly.

“Hey!” Alex protests, but Henry notices this is the most he’s smiled in the last twelve hours.

Caterina is back tugging at Alex’s shirt. “Papi, why is everybody here? Are we having a party?” Alex smiles at her, and scoops her back up, holding her close.

“No, mija, we need to talk about some _boring adult things_ ”, Alex says, using his best dramatic voice. “So your Daddy and I thought, since you both were so good for Aunt June and Aunt Nora, you and Gabriel could take your special pancakes and eat them in the TV room while you watch Finding Dory.

Caterina gives a little gasp. “We get to watch a movie? In the morning?” Henry smiles: they try to limit the kids screen time to one hour a day, and usually only watch movies as an end of the week treat. It may seem a little crazy, but he and Alex both want to limit their screen time while they can. Henry can’t remember the last time they let the kids watch a movie during the day, except for when they were sick.

“Sí, doesn’t that sound fun?”

“Thank you Papi!” Caterina throws her arms around Alex’s neck, and Alex hugs her back tightly, holding her for longer than usual, until Caterina is squirming out of his grasp. “I know how to set it up,” Caterina announces to Henry proudly, and he smiles. 

“Okay,” he says, “but both of you,.don’t get any chocolate on the couch, use your napkins, okay?”

“We’ll be careful, Daddy!” they shout, already halfway up the stairs, plates and chocolate chip pancakes in hand, and Henry chuckles, knowing cleaner is in his future, but not minding at all. 

Without the noise and cheers of the kids to fill up the room, they’re all frozen in a tense, heavy silence. Catherine breaks it first, moving to sweep Alex and Henry up in an embrace. “It’s been too long,” she murmurs, and Henry finds himself clinging to the comfort of his mother’s warmth, eyes growing damp.

Ellen and Leo quickly follow, and suddenly they’re all exchanging hugs, everyone saying it’s been too long since they’ve all been together, treating Alex and Henry delicately, handling them as if they are something fragile. Henry can see Alex’s hands beginning to tremble, and he laces their fingers together, squeezing his hand gently, and Alex flashes him an appreciative smile. Then they’re all just standing there again, not sure how to bring up the elephant in the room, and Henry longs to delay the inevitable. 

“Can I get anyone tea? Coffee?” Everyone jumps on his offer eagerly, grateful for something to fill the silence, and he and Alex busy themselves making drinks, working in perfect tandem as their loved ones sit around their kitchen table, him and his husband holding on to one last moment of normalcy before their lives as they know it falls apart.

\--

Ellen knows her son better than she knows herself. She’d carried him inside her for nine months, felt his restless, burning energy so like hers before he even arrived, as he shifted and kicked at all hours of the day and night. While it drove her crazy and took away precious sleep, sometimes she’d get out of bed and sit on the porch and watch the sun come up, her hand on her belly, her son pushing back into her, as if he could tell she knew him already. _“I see you, baby,” she would whisper. “You’re gonna change the world. I can feel it.”_

Her June is brilliant too, but in a different way, quieter and more creative, thoughtful and kind, always looking out for others, even at such a young age. It is her way of seeing the world, of seeing others, and making people feel seen, in her quiet wisdom that makes Ellen’s heart twist, the way she climbs up on Ellen’s lap and asks, “Are you okay, Mommy?”, after Ellen’s had a particularly long day, that makes her extraordinary.

It is no surprise that Alex comes into the world two weeks early, impatient and loud, screaming with lots of thoughts after an exhausting twenty hour labor. Still, Ellen looks into those bright little brown eyes and sees that fire in them, sees that part of her she knew was there.

Alex was a notoriously difficult baby, collicky and barely sleeping through the night, and an exhausting toddler, walking early at eighteen months and talking early, which began his endless stream of “Why?” questions. “Why is my skin darker than the other kids in my class?” “Why is the sky blue?” “Why don’t you speak Spanish too?” Why why why why why why why. Alex could talk to a brick wall but sometimes struggled to make friends because he was so curious, because he didn’t just want to play G.I. Joes or Monster Trucks.

That didn’t stop him from throwing himself into everything with both feet, he was fearless, whether that meant coming home with touring stacks of books with the library each week until he was on a first name basis with all the librarians, or climbing and falling out of their tree in the backyard because he wanted to see how high he could go. (He broke his arm.) Just like Ellen, he loved debate and Ellen loved pushing him, watching his ideas expand and his mind grow, bloom into this brilliant and quick witted young man that more often than not led her to rethink her own stance in the early hours of the morning.

Ellen saw the crippling pressure that wore down on Alex, the need to be perfect, the caffeine pills he hid in his bookshelf. She knew about the bottle of whiskey he had buried in his closet because sometimes he just needed to let go, and she saw how much the divorce caused him to bottle everything up even more, to push himself harder. She saw the way he looked at Liam when he thought no one was watching.

When she told Alex she was going to run for President, she saw the fire in his eyes ignite, and while the mother in her knew it wasn’t good for Alex to work himself to the bone on her campaign, she couldn’t make herself stop him, because she loved how in this, they were two sides of the same coin.

She had watched Alex fall for Henry, although she never would’ve guessed in the beginning how deep their love would grow. She saw Alex look at his children for the first time, and experience the love that is unlike any other. 

Ellen loves both her children equally, she loves them with a fierceness and a protectiveness that she knows she doesn’t show enough. When something is wrong, she feels it in her gut. And she knows something is wrong with her baby. Has known for months, really, just as she suspects he has, but has been too terrified to ask.

When Ellen walks into the door of the brownstone she has come to think of as a sort of second home, and sees Catherine standing there, her heart stops. Glancing around in panic, she sees Bea, and Pez, and June doesn’t look surprised to see them, so she must’ve known they would be here, and Ellen feels an irrational claw of anger dig into her chest at June for keeping this from her. Ellen forces herself to breathe, she survived navigating the country through national crises for a reason, she knows June was just trying to protect her. But the maternal part of her brain recognizes that if Catherine is here, if she has come to be here for Henry, then something is very, very wrong. 

Ellen is seized with the urge to scoop up her baby, but is greeted by the sight of Alex swinging his own children in the air, Caterina and Gabriel’s faces filled with joy, Alex looking at them with such utter devotion Ellen feels her heart clench. She knew Alex would be a wonderful father, and has been so ridiculously proud of him for prioritizing family and balancing his career better than she ever did. For being a brilliant Congressman, fighting for the initiatives he believes in, for the day Ellen knows will come when he sits her down and tells her he’s running for President, for the day when he’s going to win, and through it all, always pouring love into the people that matter most.

When she wraps her son up in a hug, she feels him take a shaky breath, and Ellen never wants to let go. She has to, though, and instead catalogues every detail of the person she knows so well, how pale and tired he looks, how his sweatshirt seems to be hanging off of him more than usual, how his hands are shaking as he makes her a cup of coffee, how he can’t quite look her in the eye as he passes her the mug. Her gut is filled with dread, and her maternal instincts are never wrong. Ellen sits, and waits, knowing there are things that can’t be rushed.

Alex is filled with even more restless energy than usual, he can’t seem to sit down, leaning against the counter instead of joining them at the table, his right leg bouncing up and down, hands twisting together.

Henry presses a kiss to Alex’s curls. “Want to sit down, love?” he murmurs, and for a moment, it’s as if no one else is in the room, they converse as if the world just contains the two of them.

Ellen watches Alex lean into Henry’s touch, remembering how he used to be so reticent about receiving affection. “No, I think I’d rather - “

Henry seems to understand, and he nods, wrapping an arm around Alex’s waist, supporting him and standing with him. Ellen is still filled with such relief, and such gratitude, to the universe for sending Alex such a kind and caring partner who understands him completely, who fits him perfectly. Ellen loves Leo, she really does, but she can’t help the tiny part of her that wishes she had found what Alex has, someone who not just accepts and supports her fire, but feeds it, allowing it to burn brighter and better. It was what she and Oscar had, for a time, but their fires didn’t fit together, instead threatening to burn the other’s out.

Alex runs a hand through his hair, causing his curls to stick up on end in the way that reminds Ellen of many sleep deprived high school days. When he looks up at them, his eyes find June’s first, the way they always do, the way that makes Ellen’s love threaten to spill out of her chest, and then his eyes find Ellen’s. That fire is still there; Ellen can breathe a little.

The arm Henry has tucked around Alex’s waist sneaks down so he can lace his fingers with Alex’s. Alex takes a deep breath, his eyes staying on Ellen’s.

“So, I, um… have something I need to tell y’all - “

Ellen’s anxiety spikes. Alex’s Southern accent doesn’t slip out unless he’s really nervous. 

“Actually, we should um - I should get Dad on the phone, he should hear this too - “

Alex fumbles his cell with shaking fingers, and Ellen tries to swallow the bile rising in her throat, grabbing Leo’s hand tightly. Henry takes the phone from Alex, Alex leaning his head into Henry’s shoulder.

“Let me, love.”

Henry punches in a few buttons, and the ringing cuts through the silence. The call goes to voicemail, and with a quick glance at Alex, Henry dials again. After several long rings, there’s still no answer, and Henry dials again, still nothing.

Henry lifts the phone to his mouth, speaking calmly and clearly. “Oscar, it’s Henry, if you could give us a call back as soon as you get this, there’s something Alex and I need to talk to...the whole family about. Cheers.”

Alex grabs his hair. “Of course he isn’t answering, why didn’t I think about telling him about breakfast sooner, he’s my dad for Christ’s sake - “

Ellen tries to soothe his rising anxiety. “Sugar, it’s alright, whatever it is you can just talk to him later - “

This doesn’t help, if anything, it makes it worse, Alex breaks away from Henry and begins pacing, “No, I can’t - I can’t do this twice, and he doesn’t deserve to find out after _everyone else_ , fuck, how could I be so stupid - “

“Alex, love, it’s a miracle you remembered all this, it’s alright to miss - “ Henry interjects gently, but before he can get any further, the phone rings.

Henry answers quickly, as Alex rushes over to him. “Hello?” He visibly relaxes upon hearing the voice on the other end. “Oscar, oh, great, do you have a moment? We need to talk to...yes, we just...I’m so sorry for not telling you sooner, there’s just been a lot - “ Ellen can hear Oscar reassuring Henry on the other end, and Ellen feels a rush of warmth for her ex-husband. He always knows how to make people feel better. 

“Actually, Oscar, would you like to do a Facetime? It might be nice to be able to - lovely.” As the phone switches to video, Henry sets the phone up at the far head of the table, so Oscar can see everyone. As the video connects, Ellen is relieved to see Oscar sitting at home; whatever this news is, Ellen can’t imagine it’ll be something good to receive at the office.

“Mijo, is everything alright, what’s going - “

“Hi, dad,” Alex interrupts quietly. Now that he's gotten ahold of Oscar, he seems a little frozen, unsure what to do. Henry crosses back to him and pulls out to countertop stools, and Alex sits on one heavily, Henry automatically putting his arm back around Alex’s waist so Alex can lean against him.

For the first time, Oscar seems to notice the rest of them. “Wow, this is - “ he clears his throat, makes eye contact with Ellen. After years of marriage, they can still communicate without words, and the look they share this time means, _this can’t be good_. Ellen wishes Oscar was on her other side, so she could hold his hand too. “Quite a crowd you’ve got here. Catherine, Bea, wonderful to see you as always. Junebug, Nora, I miss you.”

“We miss you too, Dad.” June’s voice is quiet, small, she’s picking at a hangnail.

“So what’s this all about, mijo?” Oscar’s voice is crackly but clear through the video. Alex suddenly seems desperate to delay, turning to Henry with a wild look in his eyes. “Do you think maybe we should call Raf too? He’d want to, you know - “ 

With his other hand, Henry cups Alex’s chin softly. “Sweetheart, you can tell him later. He’ll understand.” 

Alex crumples a little, and Ellen aches to hold him. “Yeah.” He takes another deep breath, and raises his eyes again, once again finding June’s, Oscar’s, Ellen’s, staying on hers.

“We thought you...um...should all know...right away.” The words seem to get stuck in Alex’s throat, he can’t continue. Ellen can count on one hand the number of times she’s seen Alex speechless.

“Alex hasn’t been feeling well for a little while now, nothing too concerning, but it hasn’t gone away, so he went to the doctor,” Henry continues, giving Alex an encouraging squeeze.

“This was a few weeks ago...he said it was nothing to worry about, that my lymph nodes were a little enlarged...but he wanted to just be sure...so he took some blood tests, referred me to this other, um, specialist…” 

“And I guess some of my - levels? - were off, I don’t know, so she did some - scans - and some other tests to just rule some things out, because of some symptoms I’ve been having recently - “

Ellen’s head is filling with a sort of buzzing. Leo’s hand is pressing hard into hers, and it’s the only thing that feels real. Alex is now talking to a spot directly above her head.

“And the results...the results weren’t what they hoped.”

Alex shuts his eyes tightly as if the news will be easier if he doesn’t have to face them all.

“It’s Stage III Hodgkins Lymphoma.”

There is about five seconds of stunned silence, and Ellen can’t breathe, because her Alex, her _baby_ -

And then the room explodes with noise, June demanding to know what this means and Nora asking about his symptoms so she can calculate probabilities and Catherine offering comfort and Bea suggesting support groups and her babysitting services and Leo babbling about his friend who had cancer and Oscar demanding a second opinion and Ellen can’t fucking move. Because her baby has cancer, is going to have poison running through his veins, and Ellen feels like she’s going to be sick. Ellen knows she needs to be strong for Alex, but all she can feel are the tears trickling down her cheeks.

Alex is doing his best to answer June’s questions about a treatment plan, looking overwhelmed and like he wants to cry, and Ellen doesn’t fucking do anything, and somehow, unnoticed, Caterina and Gabriel slip into the room, running up to Alex and Henry.

“What’s going on?” Caterina asks, in that sweet little voice of hers that reminds Ellen so much of June’s at that age. “Why is Grammie crying?”

Alex’s eyes flash up to her face then, and Ellen tries to force a smile, she really does, but she can’t manage it, and Alex’s face crumples a little.

Alex and Henry look back at their children, both clearly at a loss for what to say. How do you explain to your toddlers that your dad has cancer?

Henry opens his mouth, but Alex beats him to it, squatting down and sitting Caterina and Gabriel on his knees, Henry moving instinctively so Alex can lean on his legs for support.

“You know how I’ve been feeling kinda yucky recently?” Both the kids look at Alex with serious eyes.

“Daddy made soup!” announces Gabriel, flinging his arms wide.

“That’s right,” Alex says, smiling and tickling Gabriel’s tummy.

“I went to the doctor,” Alex continues, but Caterina interrupts, looking worried.

“Did she give you a shot?”

“No, but she did all sorts of other doctor tests. And she...well she found out that I’m sick.”

“Tummy ache?” Gabriel asks.

“No, it’s…” Alex hesitates. Henry leans down, carding a hand through Alex’s hair.

“Papi’s body is confused, and can’t get the germs making him sick to go away.”

“Can’t they give you medicine?” Caterina asks.

Henry runs a hand through Caterina's hair. “You know how cold medicine tastes very yucky?”

Caterina makes a face. “Blech. It’s the worst.”

“This medicine is very yucky too, so Papi is going to feel worse, before it can make him better.”

Caterina looks at Henry for a long moment, then nods solemnly, as if this makes sense. Then she flings her little arms around Alex’s neck.

“It’s going to be alright, Papi. You’ll get better.” Gabriel follows suit, burying into Alex’s side, murmuring, “feel better, Papi”, and Alex lets out a breath that sounds like a sob, holding his children tight, Henry burying his face in Alex’s hair. Eventually the kids get tired of being held, and Alex pulls back, his eyes red.

“Can we have more pancakes?” Caterina asks.

Alex’s voice is rough when he answers. “Of course, mija.”

“Gracias Papi, te amo.”

“Chocolate!” Gabriel cheers, and the two quickly scamper back upstairs.

It’s like all the air has been sucked out of the room. Alex stays frozen on the floor, Henry’s hands on his shoulders, his whole body shaking now, and Ellen wants to go to him, and hold him, but he looks seconds away from falling apart, his breathing picking up as a tear traces down his cheek.

“Mijo,” Oscar tries, gentle, but Alex stands up suddenly, crashing into Henry, breathing hard, eyes wild. 

“I’m sorry, I just, I can’t. I need - “ and suddenly flees into the direction of his and Henry’s bedroom, looking as if he’s about to vomit.

Without hesitation, Henry follows, sparing an apologetic glance behind him. “Excuse me.”

And still, Ellen sits, turning to look at Oscar, both their eyes filled with grief and terror and a sense of drowning, because for the first time, she has no way to help her child fight the battle he is about to face.


	3. Standing on the Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex begins facing the reality of his treatment. Henry struggles with the seriousness of Alex's illness, stuck in memories of his father.
> 
> feat. supportive June & Catherine, Raf & Alex adorable times, Pez / Alex friendship, and a new character I love love love!
> 
> Spoiler: Henry will be his amazing supportive self in the next chapter, don't worry. He just needs a sec.
> 
> CW: Chemo, after-effects of chemo, panic attacks

Henry quickly excuses himself and follows after Alex, hearing the door of their in suite master bathroom slam hard. As he comes up to the thin piece of dark stained oak that separates them, he hesitates, doubt creeping in. He doesn’t know how to comfort his Alex through this, the knowledge that his own body is turning against him.

His mother’s voice fills his head, words she’d told him on the morning of his wedding day. He’d asked her how they'd made it work, her and Dad, how they made their love so strong, despite the pressure, despite the sickness, despite it all, and his mother had grabbed his hand and smiled softly: _”No matter what happens, all you need to do is be there for each other. You and Alex, darling, you love each other just like your father and I did. That’s such a gift. It will never go away, as long as you never take that love for granted. Be there for each other, and the rest will take care of itself.”_

So Henry takes a deep breath, and knocks softly on the door. Alex doesn’t call back to him, which almost never happens unless he’s really overwhelmed about something, and Henry’s worry spikes. He pushes open the door gently, peeking his head in, calling softly, “Alex? Love?”

He spots the sink running first, and then his eyes find Alex crumpled on the floor, shaking and trembling with his face buried in his knees, his body wracked with sobs as he tries to muffle the noise, his breathing fast and loud and out of control.

“Oh, darling.” He crosses over to Alex and kneels down in front of him, but Alex doesn’t seem to have noticed Henry’s even in the room. It’s been a while since Alex has had a panic attack this bad; Henry knows he bottles it up in the form of pushing himself harder and harder and harder, always just trying to be perfect at everything, always turning the conversation back to Henry’s mental health instead of his own, no matter how hard Henry tries to get him to talk about it, to get him to consider seeing a therapist, to think about anti-anxiety meds. It’s not like Alex is one of those people who’s dismissive of mental health or how life changing services can be, he’s always beyond supportive of Henry and what he needs, but Alex always insists that he’s got it under control, that it’s not worth the extra bills, to Henry’s never-ending frustration. Their exploration of non-vanilla sex definitely helps with relieving pressure, and gives Henry an opportunity to take care of Alex for once, but as Henry watches his husband, he reflects that one silver lining of this whole horror, as small as it might be, is that Alex might finally have to consider allowing himself to accept support and get the services he deserves, and needs. Knowing his stubborn husband though, even that’s going to be a fight.

Henry knows Alex’s signs well enough by now to know Alex is reaching the point Henry needs to get his breathing under control before Alex is in danger of passing out. He places a hand gently on Alex’s knee, and Alex flinches back, hard, smacking his head on the drawers of the vanity.

Henry keeps his hand there anyways, knowing the touch will help ground Alex as he begins to come down. 

“Alex, love, it’s me, it’s Henry. Do you know where you are?”

Alex’s breaths are coming in harsh gasps now, and he still won’t look at Henry. “I - I - I - oh, god - “

“Alex, can you look at me? Can you do that for me?”

Alex grabs his hair, yanking on it hard enough to send shooting pain into his head. “I can’t - I can’t - I’m sorry, I can’t - “ He begins to sob even harder. “I can’t do this to our kids, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t - “ His breathing now sounds wet and labored, and Henry tries to push down a spike of fear.

Henry takes one of Alex’s hands gently and places it on his heart, and then grasps the sides of Alex’s face with both hands, softly tilting it up to look at him. Alex’s eyes are wild, darting all around the place, reminding Henry of a trapped animal, and Henry rubs circles into Alex’s cheeks gently, trying to bring Alex back to earth, back to him.

“I need you to breathe with me darling, okay? You’re going to copy my breaths now. We’ll do it together, you and me.” Henry takes an exaggerated breath in, counting to eight out loud, and blows it out for ten. Alex’s lungs still sound like they’re working overtime, and Henry can feel Alex practically vibrating out of his skin.

Henry adopts a firmer tone, one he usually reserves for the bedroom. “Alex, you’re going to breathe with me.”

“Henry, I can’t, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, my chest, it - it hurts, it hurts so bad - “

Henry feels icy horror trickle into his chest at Alex’s words. He knows what it’s like to be in the spiral of a panic, to feel like you’ll never get your breath back again, but he’d never considered, never thought, oh god, how long has Alex been in pain?

“This is gonna make it stop, okay? I promise. Now take a - “

“No, no, no, it’s there, it’s there crushing me, at night and I can’t get it off, I can’t get it to go away, Henry, please - “

Henry yanks Alex’s face towards his own, hard. “Alex, take a breath. Now.” It’s a demand, this time. To his immense relief, it works, and Alex begins to breathe with him, in and out. “Follow me. That’s it. You’re doing so well, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Breathe just like that, steady, in and out, in and out, there you go.”

After a long time, Alex’s breathing begins to slow, still sounding too wet, and too labored, for Henry’s liking. Only quiet, gentle sobs, and trembling limbs remain, as Henry runs his fingers through Alex’s hair, strokes his cheeks. Alex’s eyes are still glassy, unfocused, telling Henry he’s still more there than here.

“Five things you can see, sweetheart?” Alex has done this exercise with him on more occasions than Henry can count, and Henry hopes it’ll be just as grounding for Alex.

“Your eyes. They’re a deep blue with flecks of green, and a little bit of gold, like the ocean. If it was the most perfect...the most perfect day.” Alex’s voice is croaky, raw.

“That’s so good, darling,” Henry encourages.

“Your hair, the way it waves and always catches the light, even in our bathroom. Your nose, with it’s tiny bump at the ridge. Your...your ears...which somehow have freckles on them. Your lips. Your lips, which taste like home.”

“Darling,” Henry whispers, and he moves to sit against the vanity, lifting Alex into his lap.

“Something you can smell?” Henry whispers into Alex’s hair. 

“Your soap, it’s...lavender, mixed with... the...chocolate...from this morning.”

“Something you can hear””

“Your...vocal cords...humming...through me.”

Alex lifts his face up towards Henry’s, tears still trickling down his cheeks. Henry sees him now, the man he loves with his whole heart, back in his arms, and he can’t help but press a soft kiss to those perfect lips.

“Something you can taste?” Henry murmurs, his lips still flush against Alex’s.

Alex’s voice is so quiet Henry almost doesn’t catch it. “You, Henry. Always you.”

Henry pulls back to look at Alex, and he looks calmer, but Henry _sees_ Alex, and knows he’s still thrumming with whatever it is that set him off earlier. He brushes Alex’s hair back gently, and shifts Alex off his lap so he can go turn the sink off. 

Henry crosses over to Alex and takes his hands, smiling down at him. He can tell Alex is embarrassed now, how he won’t quite look him in the eye. “Let’s get you off the floor, hm?” 

A blush colors Alex’s cheeks. “Yeah, that would probably be good.”

Henry lifts Alex’s chin to look at him once more. “I wish you could see how much I want to take care of you, my love.”

This time, Alex doesn’t look away. Henry scoops Alex up in his arms: Alex had told him after they first got together how much he _loves_ being carried, how he fucking adores that Henry is strong enough and big enough to literally sweep him off his feet, envelop him, hold him, take him away from whatever demon is plaguing his brain. And Henry cherishes these precious moments where Alex allows Henry to take care of him.

Henry lays Alex on the bed and crawls in after them, cocooning them in covers and bringing Alex into him, running his fingers through Alex’s curls. Alex lets out what might be a whimper and buries his head in Henry’s chest; Henry places a gentle kiss atop his head.

“What happened, love?”

Alex sighs heavily, and Henry can feel the weight of all of this bearing down on him.

“I just...I don’t want to do this to everyone….to put our kids through this...to cause everyone all this pain…”

Henry turns Alex’s chin up, forcing Alex to look at him. “Alex, the only thing, and I mean the only thing you need to worry about, is taking care of yourself, getting better. That’s it. We all just want to be here for you, because we love you, alright?”

Henry could tell Alex didn’t quite believe him, but Henry places slow, soft kisses all over Alex’s face, his eyelids, his nose, the tips of his cheekbones, and he feels Alex relax into him. They deserve a moment of rest, he decides, but when he looks down at his husband a few minutes later, he’s startled to see that Alex has fallen asleep. For the first time, he notices just how exhausted he looks, how drawn and pale. Henry feels this impossible grief clutch at his chest, but he pushes it down, for now. Tucks Alex in, heads back out to the kitchen. Tries to field everyone’s questions and pass out informational pamphlets. Oscar insists on flying out immediately and Henry is too exhausted to try and stop him. Ellen and Leo offer to take the kids to the park for a little while, and Henry cleans the kitchen mechanically with his mom and Bea’s help, unable to think about anything at all. Only once they leave does he allow himself to heavily climb the steps to the kids’ bathroom turn the shower to scalding hot, and just stand under the spray, tears running down his cheeks, as he slams his fist into the wall over and over. What kind of God could there be, if he’s threatening to take the person he loves the most away from him again? 

\--

Alex tells Raf the next day. Henry offers to go with him, but Caterina and Gabriel have hardly spent any time at home this weekend as it is, and… this is something Alex needs to do alone. So he gives his kids a tight hug, promising them they’ll all play Charades when he gets back, and buries his head in Henry’s shoulder, who makes him promise to call if he needs anything. Tucking the warmth of his family inside his chest for strength, Alex picks up coffees for them on the way to Raf’s apartment, and finds that Raf has gotten them churros from their favorite cart vendor. The sweet smell of dough mixed with cinnamon calms him a little. Raf looks at him with eyes far too wise as they sit at his kitchen table, and Alex picks at his churro, unable to eat, his stomach churning, the thought of stomaching anything impossible. Admitting this to Raf, the man who he’s idolized for so long, made it real in a way that Alex just wasn’t…

Raf breaks him out of his thoughts by reaching out and placing his hand over Alex’s on the table. “Mijo,” Raf says softly. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

It’s like a dam breaks and Alex finds everything spilling out of him, everything too dizzy and wild and his mind running over seven thousand possibilities about his job and Henry and his kids and his upcoming campaign to be ashamed of the tears that have somehow begun running down his cheeks.

Alex finds himself being wrapped in a tight hug, Raf stoking the back of his neck gently, and he inhales the scent of cigarettes and Skittles, not really surprised to find he associates this smell with _safety, with home_. Raf moves Alex to the couch, makes them coffee, and Alex can see the sadness in his eyes, knows it from the downturn in his lips, but is overwhelmingly grateful that Raf doesn’t let it show, instead walking him step by step through past examples of Congress members handling illness, talking through how Alex should adjust his work schedule, how they will work it into his campaign, how he’s going to break it to his staff, when and how the news should be announced to the press. How Raf promises to be there to help him handle it all. As he leaves Raf’s apartment, and goes home to make carne asada and play a competitive five rounds of Charades with his beautiful family, Henry and Caterina squeaking by with a win on Elvis, Alex feels like maybe, they might get through this.

\--

They go to his follow-up appointment with Dr. Andrews at 7 a.m. on Tuesday morning, after dropping the kids off at Ellen and Leo’s, who will take them to daycare. Henry feels like he’s in a dream the entire time, although he immediately takes a liking to Dr. Andrews, smart and kind, who clearly already has a rapport with Alex. He clutches Alex’s hand hard the entire time, trying to focus and take notes as Dr. Andrews explains the 6-8 cycles of chemo, the possibility of steroids, how radiation will work, but Henry’s hand is shaking and his eyes are blurry and unfocused, he can barely see what he’s writing. He’s never been more grateful for the barrage of pamphlets she hands them.

“It’s natural for this to be incredibly overwhelming. Henry, as I told Alex at our last appointment, all my patients’ privacy is paramount, and I will ensure none of my staff jeopardize that. Nonetheless, I can’t vouch for every single person who works here, so while I stand by what I said about no special treatment, it might be wise to get you a private treatment room, Alex, I’ll start working on that right away.”  
Henry realizes with a lurch of panic that they’ll have to announce this news to the press. Oh, god, they’re never going to be left alone during this.

“Aw, Dr. Andrews, you mean my natural charm won’t get me extra pudding?” Alex teases, and Henry wonders distantly how Alex can be so calm about all this.

Dr. Andrews snorts a little. “You’ll have to work on the nurses for that.”

Alex leans back in his chair, rubbing a circle in Henry’s palm. “Challenge accepted.”

Dr. Andrews, on the other hand, leans forward, clasping her hands together. “But like we talked about, because this has spread to your lungs, I want to move forward as quickly as possible with an aggressive treatment. You’ll start next week - “

Henry can’t help the strangled noise that rises in his throat, the feeling of betrayal that coils in his gut, the thought that Alex has been downplaying how bad this really is, to try and protect him. Alex and Dr. Andrews both turn to him with looks of concern.

“Hen? You okay, baby?” Henry sees Alex flick a worried look to Dr. Andrews. 

Henry’s finding it hard to make his mouth work, to control the panic rising inside of him. “When you say - his lungs - I mean - how bad - “

Dr. Andrews looks at him straight in the eyes, steady. “I’m not going to lie to you, Henry. It’s not what we hoped for. But it’s not a death sentence, either. An aggressive treatment is exactly what’s needed here; it’s going to be long, it’s going to be hard, Alex’s body is going to be exhausted and at war with itself. But I’m going to do everything I can to make sure he gets out of the woods.”

“Which reminds me, emotional support is key. If you aren’t both seeing therapists, you should start seeing one now. You’re both going to need it.” 

Henry can hear Alex grumble something. 

“Well it sounds like you should be following Henry’s excellent example of taking care of his mental health. I’m giving you a referral to someone I really like, and if you don’t make an appointment within the week, you and I will be having a discussion.”

Alex promises to call as soon as he gets home.

Henry can feel his hands shaking, and distantly he hears Alex and Dr. Andrews set up his first chemo appointment for late afternoon next Friday. Henry remembers there’s a shelter event that day, but stays silent, focusing on the pamphlets in his lap.  
Henry can’t get any work done that day, or the next. He makes multiple appointments with his therapist, and that helps, a little. He spends time with his mom, and Bea, and Pez takes work off his plate at the shelter. He can tell Alex is going out of his way to make him feel loved, taken care of, surprising him with an oil massage or reading him Jane Austen aloud at night until he falls asleep. They spend even more time with their kids, making up fantastical stories and acting them out all over the brownstone. Henry has never been more in love with his husband, but he feels frozen. He wants to be a rock for Alex, to take weight off of Alex’s shoulders, but he doesn’t know how. He’s terrified. He’s terrified he won’t be able to step up to the plate in time, as he listens to Alex’s shuddering breaths at night, and misses his dad so hard it hurts.

\--

Alex tells his staff after his doctor’s appointment. Well, he does tell the whole staff, but most importantly, he breaks the news to Rhy. If Alex is being honest to himself, Alex thinks of Rhy as his own Alex/Raf. Rhy was… utterly surprising, bursting into Alex’s office one day for an interview for the receptionist position, in an exquisitely tailored aqua suit and perfect makeup, a standout on their skin and chaotic hair that reminded Alex so much of his own. Alex hired them on the spot, and their bright, infectious energy fills the office. Alex learns they’re saving up for law school, completely brilliant, working two other jobs, and have a photographic memory to boot. Alex quickly promotes them to a position as his personal assistant and researcher, and Rhy has a voracious appetite for material and a drive that rivals Alex’s own. Besides, although Rhy never complained, Alex noticed that getting them away from the front desk took them out of the line of fire from...old white bigoted fucks...which Alex had gone after on several occasions, until Rhy pulled him aside and reminded him that rising above is the best way to show others the error of their own prejudice. Alex can’t help but feel protective of the kid, especially after they told Alex one night after they both had a few too many whiskeys about how their dad took off when they were little. After having Rhy as his assistant for a year, Alex pulled him into his office and offered them a loan for law school. Rhy point blank refused, which Alex couldn’t help but admire, knowing he would do the same in Rhy’s position. Still, Alex’s hated the fact that Rhy had to work two other jobs to pay their bills, but they quickly stumbled on a perfect solution: Elena and Gabriel LOVE Rhy: so Henry and Alex have them babysit after the kids get out of daycare, and whenever they both have to work on the weekends. So what if they pay them a little too much… Alex sat Rhy down and said they could do more and better work here if they cut down on their other jobs, and that this wasn’t charity, Rhy watching the kids is a huge help to him and Henry… so eventually Rhy rolled their eyes and accepted, much to Alex’s relief. They also may or may not have them over for dinner most nights, and send them home with leftovers, despite their protests. Alex always cooks way too much anyways, and if they can cut down on their grocery bill, why not?

Alex knows he thinks of Rhy more as his own child than an employee, but… when Rhy gave him that card on their one year work anniversary telling him that his speech in Austin the night of his mother’s second election changed how Rhy’s mother felt about queer people… well…

Anyways, Alex is nervous. He straightens and restraightens his desk multiple times. Then he calls Rhy in, who of course brings him coffee exactly the way Alex likes it.

“What’s up, jefe?”, they stride in, smiling, handing Alex the mug. Today they’re rocking a maroon velvet dress with white jean jacket that Alex is honestly envious of. He should really get Rhy to take him shopping for dress clothes sometime.

Alex smiles at Rhy softly. “Close the door, would ‘ya?”

Rhy’s smile fades. “Everything okay?”

\--

Rhy knows something’s up with Alex. He’s been off for weeks, and Rhy has had to go get him more massive bottles of Advil more than once in the past few months. He sweats through his dress shirts at least every couple days, and Rhy has started taking them to the dry cleaners every two days as a precaution, though they would never tell Alex that. Just last week, they came to get Alex for his 7 o’clock on the Hill and Alex was passed out at his desk, breathing wheezy, and it took Rhy a few tries to wake him, Alex’s eyes glassy and far away. The other day Alex was cooking in the kitchen and got so dizzy he had to sit down and put his head between his knees, though he didn’t know Rhy saw. And then there were the doctor’s appointments. With _those_ types of doctors… Alex is the most vivacious, _good_ person Rhy knows… If he’s…

Alex can’t seem to look at Rhy. He clears his throat multiple times. “I’m going to have to be...out of the office a bit more than usual...coming up. I could use your help to keep me connected to the office, and extra help with the kids. We’ll provide the car, of course.”

If Rhy was scared before, they’re terrified now. “Alex?”

Alex finally looks at him. He knows Rhy knows. “It’s cancer.”

Rhy swears they can feel their heart stop. “Treatable?”

“Yeah...just…” Alex sighs. “Hard treatment.”

Rhy nods, trying to keep the tears from spilling out.

“Thanks for telling me.”

“I’m going to tell everyone else in a bit. I wanted...you to know first.” Deep sadness passes across his face. “I’m so sorry about all this.”

Rhy shakes their head ferociously. “No, don’t… whatever I can do, I’ll be there.”

Alex attempts a smile, but doesn’t quite manage it. “I don’t deserve you.”

Rhy sticks to their usual joke, as they pretend to head back to work. “You know it.” But the truth is, they don’t deserve Alex. Alex is...everything to them...everything they want to be. As Rhy retches into the toilet in the office bathroom, overwhelmed, they try to not think about what they would do if Alex wasn’t in their life anymore. They pick up their phone to call their mom, sobbing, as their mom tries to comfort them with soothing words, Rhy wishing she could fly to D.C. and hold them tight the way she always does anytime the world gets a little too unbearable.

\--

Henry tries to convince Alex to let him go with to the first round of chemo, insisting he can skip the event at the shelter, insisting Alex is so much more important. But Alex wears him down, reminding him of the months of work Henry’s put into this, that he’ll just be lying there for the whole time anyways, reminding him that Caterina and Gabriel are going to be at the event too, and, besides, the first round of chemo is supposedly a piece of cake, from the reading he’s been doing, and Alex assures him he’ll meet Henry at the shelter once it’s over, telling him he can just come to the next round. 

So Henry relents, still feeling guilty, although comforted by the fact that June, and surprisingly, his mother, are going with Alex. Catherine had just smiled and said, “I’m a pro. I know where to get all the good blankets.”

Henry kisses Alex when he leaves for work that day, holding him tight, trying to pour all his love into his embrace.

Alex is forced to admit he’s wrong. The first round of chemo is not exactly a piece of cake. His appointment is scheduled for 4pm, so he works for almost a full day, and then June and Catherine come to pick him up.

When he gets in the car, still wearing his work clothes, Catherine looks him over. “Didn’t you bring anything else?”

Alex vaguely remembers the pamphlet telling you to bring comfy clothes, but it had slipped his mind as he left this morning, he figures it’ll be fine. “I forgot them at home. I don’t want to be late, I’ll be okay.”

Catherine looks unconvinced, but nods. They pull into a semi-private entrance and bring Alex directly into the wing, after confirming there’s no press outside. When Alex settles into the chair and gets the IV hooked in, he’s relieved after the first half an hour to find he feels totally fine, able to catch up on his briefings. But then...the one hour mark hits….and he’s forced to admit he’s getting a pounding headache, is beginning to feel freezing cold, and is definitely wishing he brought comfier clothes. He sets his packet down and leans his head back, pressing his hand into his forehead, trying to temper the pain. He shifts, uncomfortable in his constricting clothes.

He feels a hand on his arm. “Alright, sweetheart?” It’s Catherine. 

Alex nods, keeping his eyes closed. “Just a bit of a headache. ‘S fine. A little cold. You were right - I should’ve brought different clothes.”

“Well now you know for next time. Might be a good idea to keep some in your office.”

Alex nods slightly, trying to minimize the movement of his head. He feels Catherine brush his hair back, and feels a sudden stab of longing for Henry. Maybe he shouldn’t have insisted he go to the shelter event after all.

“Why don’t I go find you some blankets, hm?”

“I’m okay - “

“Alex.” Catherine interrupts firmly. “It’s time to let other people take care of you, okay?”

Alex tries to ignore the tears welling in his eyes. “Okay,” he whispers.

Alex hears Catherine leave, and feels June grab his hand. “How are you really feeling?”

Alex makes a non committal grunt.

“You know you’re going to have to start talking about your feelings at some point, right?” She cuddles up closer to him, and Alex welcomes her warmth.

“How was your therapy appointment?”

“Fine, he was, good, I guess. Might be, you know, good, to talk to someone.”

“Aw, my little brother is growing up!”

Alex tries to stop the slight smile forming on his face. June is quiet for a long minute.

“So what’s the real reason you didn’t want Henry here today?”

Alex sighs. “June…”

“Alex…”

“It’s just...I can see this hurting him, y’know? More than anyone else...he would never say anything, but...it’s making him miss his dad, so fucking much, and I don’t want to have to be the reason he goes through this all again...I think...I think it might break him.”

“Oh, Alex…” June whispers, and puts her head on his shoulder. Neither of them notice Catherine quietly standing in the door.

Alex must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because when he wakes up, his head is _throbbing_ now, making nausea curdle in his stomach, and his mouth and throat feel like they have sand in them, but he thinks if he tries to put anything in his mouth he might vomit everywhere.

A nurse is standing over him. “Perfect timing. You’re all done, kiddo.” When Alex moves to stand, he’s still wracked with shivers, and shocked to discover his limbs feel like jello. A wave of dizziness rushes over him, making the nausea rush up his throat, but he forces it back down. He feels hands on his waist. “Whoah, easy, take it slow. You’re gonna be wiped for the next couple days.”

June and Cash offer their arms but he shakes his head, making his way slowly to the car. It feels like it takes miles, and he collapses in his seat, shaking.

“Alex, maybe you should just go home, get some rest. Henry will understand,” June says cautiously.

“Nah, H’s been working so hard on this. I’m fine, it’s fine.”

He misses the look Cash exchanges with June and Catherine, focusing instead on getting his stomach under control as the car moves around him.

Back at the shelter, Henry’s out of skin waiting for Alex. Surely the treatment would be over by now, right? It couldn’t take that long?

His phone buzzes, and he’s relieved to see a text from June. _Just finished, on our way_

_How is he?_

_Pretty tired. Headache._

_Tell him I love him, will you?_

Okay, well that wasn’t so bad, right? Henry tries to reassure himself. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it was all going to be fine.

He distracts himself by playing with the shelter kids, and jumps when he feels icy hands on his waist. He spins around. Alex. Thank god. He takes a good look at him. Pale, looked tired, wrapped in Henry’s old Eton crewneck, but not… not terrible, all things considered. Maybe… maybe this was going to be okay.

“Hi, love.” He leans forward to give Alex a kiss, and is surprised to feel Alex meet him lips closed, tightly close mouthed. A little cold, but not too bad, right?

“You alright, love?”

Alex gives him a small smile. “Yeah, just a little tired, you know.”

“We’ll get out of here soon, okay?”

“You do what you need to do. I’m gonna go find some water. I’m parched.”

“Caterina and Gabriel are playing somewhere, if you wanna say hi.”

“Okay, now go be the big boss!” Alex swats Henry away, and Henry is dragged off by the kids, so he misses the way Alex staggers away from him.

Alex feels completely awful. He’s beyond freezing, aching, wracked with shivers, and the crewneck isn’t cutting it. His legs feel like they might give out any moment, and the noise of the shelter only increases the pounding, swimming feeling hammering his head, and the nausea fights to rise up his throat. He thinks he’s convinced Henry though, but he _knows_ Catherine and June know. He stumbles toward the quiet of the offices, avoiding his children like the plague, they can’t see him like this. _Is it always going to be like this?_ he wonders with rising panic, as he leans against the wall for support. Suddenly he slams into someone, and that’s enough to send his legs buckling underneath him. Steady hands catch him around the waist.

“Alex? Are you alright?” 

But Alex can’t respond, because the sickly scent of Pez’s cologne is the final straw, and he rushes to the bathroom as fast as his legs can carry him, locking the door and collapsing over the toilet, retching over and over and over. Time passes in a haze, and all he knows is that the waves of nausea won’t stop, there’s nothing in his stomach but his body keeps revolting against him, as he clutches the porcelain and his head _throbs_ and he’s sweat through the crewneck and he’s so, so incredibly cold.

Distantly, he hears a voice calling his name.

“Alex? Alex?! Alex, open this goddamn door right now, or I’m getting Henry.”

Using the last of his strength, Alex drags himself to the door and pulls the latch, crumpling to the floor, unable to move out of the way. The door smacks him in the chest and Alex thinks he hears a pained groan but he’s too exhausted to care.

“Oh, Alex,” and someone’s cradling his head, Pez, he realizes, but then the nausea’s rising again, and he rushes to get back to the toilet, almost collapsing on the way, but Pez holds him up. He distantly feels Pez holding his hair back as the retching begins over again, and a sob rises in his throat, and he hears someone moan and anguished, pained, _“oh, god”_ , it sounds a little like him, but -

And Pez is comforting him, telling him it’s okay, that he’s going to be okay, but it isn’t okay, he’s so, so tired - 

And then it stops. For just a moment. Alex’s breaths come in gasps, as he leans against the toilet, Pez holding him up.

“Alex, I’m going to go get Henry alright? You need to go home.”

“No, please - “ Alex forces out through cracked lips. “He can’t see me like this.”

“That’s exactly what he needs.” Pez replies grimly.

Pez pops his head out of the door and sends Cash in to sit with Alex. Henry needs to get out of his defense mechanism fantasy land, no matter how hard that might be.

June is worried sick about Alex, she hasn’t seen him in ages, but he’s pushed away all attempts at help so far, she doesn’t know what to do. Then she spots Pez coming towards her with a grim look on his face, and knows.

“Where is he?”

“Back bathroom. Not good. Cash is there. Where is - ”

June points to the games room, as she grabs Catherine and hurries to the back. As they approach, they hear the sound of unending, exhausted retching, and Cash trying to coax Alex to drink some water. June peeks in the door, and Alex looks beyond exhausted, his eyes filled with pain as they meet hers for just a moment, before he starts retching again. June’s legs give out from under her, seeing her brother like that, and Catherine rubs her back as they all wait for it to end.

Pez bursts into the games room, and sees Henry decorating the kid’s faces with paint. He knows his friend has been denying the seriousness of Alex’s situation, but jesus.

He grabs Henry’s arm hard, and yanks him away from the kids.

“What - “

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Pez hisses. “Alex - “

“Alex is fine.” Henry insists. “I checked in with him earlier. Alex’s fine.” He’s looking at Pez desperately, asking him to make this true.

Pez shakes him. “Henry. I get that this is hard for you, but… Alex is not fine. He’s _not_ okay. He’s been in the bathroom for at least the last hour throwing up his insides, and is too weak to hold himself up. He’s not okay, Henry.”

Henry stares at him in horror. “Oh god.”

“So get out of your own head, and be there for him. He’s trying to make it easier for you...when you should be doing that for him. If your dad was here… he’d say the same thing.”

 _Alex is not fine. Alex is not fine._ The words repeat in Henry’s head over and over as his head fills with a strange ringing sound, Pez’ hand on his back and he takes Henry to Alex. Then Henry’s at the bathroom door and he sees Alex, sees Alex exhausted and gaunt and Cash holding him up and Alex throwing up over and over and Alex looks up at him and says _Henry_ with just the hint of a sob before throwing up again and all Henry can see is his dad in his last moments in that hospital bed and Henry can’t move he can’t breathe oh god Henry doesn’t know if he can do this.


End file.
